I love steak.

I love blowjobs!

But I’m not keen on National Steak and BlowJob Day so declared on March 14, one month after Valentine’s Day as “payback” for the romance and affection heterosexual men gave their wives and girlfriends on that day.

Womp womp call me a feminist killjoy, but I’m really over the idea that women, to paraphrase a popular meme, are vending machines that men can put kindness coins into until sex falls out. 

If your partner showed you attention, affection, tenderness, or sentimentality on Valentine’s Day, great! But you don’t “owe” them a damn thing.

And apparently I’m not the only person with this view because I checked out “Steak and Blowjob Day” on Wikipedia and the article is full of quotes from people and organizations calling the observance “sexist”, “patriarchal”, and “enshrining male privilege”.

But to make matters worse, it sets up showing your partner that you love and care for them (an amazing thing) and pleasuring your partner’s genitals and eating a good meal together (also an amazing thing) as chores that need to be bartered and obliged, not given freely because it’s fun and you want to.

A relationship predicated on “I’ll give you love if you give me sex” is really quite… sad. If you think about it.

So even if you’re a steak and BJ lover, let’s pass on this rather pathetic holiday and use some of these other excuses to celebrate good food and good sex with our partners:

January 21: National Cuddle Up Day

January 23: National Pie Day

February 5: National Shower Together Day

February 9: National Pizza Day

March 5: National Restock Your Lube Day

May 25: National Masturbation Day

June 18: International Sushi Day

July 7: World Chocolate Day

July 10-16: National Everybody Deserves a Massage Week

July 14: National Nude Day AND National Macaroni and Cheese Day. Imagine the possibilities!

July 21: National Ice Cream Day

July 31: International Orgasm Day

August 13: National Filet Mignon Day

August 24: National Lingerie Day

August 27: National Just Because Day (Whatever sexy thing you felt you needed an “excuse” for, today is your day!)

September 18: National Cheeseburger Day

October 4: National Taco Day

October 18: National Cupcake Day

November 4: National Sex Toys Day

December 4: National Cookie Day

Or better yet, create your own holiday, just for the two of you. Why not make March 25 Eat Each Other Out Then Order Pizza and Binge Netflix Day in your house? Why not turn August 1 into Play With Every Vibrator We Have Then Boil Crab Legs and Have a Seafood Fest in Our Dining Room Day in your relationship?

If an entitled bro who probably finds telling his wife he loves her so onerous he has to invent “Steak and Blowjob Day”, surely you can make up a sexy holiday that works for you!