Have you had the same sex toy for three or more years? Have you mastered the art of getting off in 60 seconds because you always turn to “old faithful,” the vibrator that knows you best? Are you stuck in a masturbation routine that’s so freakin’ predictable a romance novelist would curl up and cry for days due to a severe lack of inspiration? If you answered “yes” to any one of these questions, it’s time for a sex toy makeover!

Don’t stress. It’s pretty simple to explain, but it can also be hard for some of us to realize that we actually need a sex toy makeover. Let me put it this way. Imagine the 45-year-old woman who is still wearing pigtail braids, acid-wash jeans, and a sweat-stained t-shirt with a hole in the armpit on TLC’s What Not To Wear. Her friends, family and/or spouse signed her up to be “surprised” on the show because, God love her, she just wasn’t aware that her style could use a major upgrade. So, let me be that friend to you now. Here are four reasons why it’s time for a sex toy makeover - STAT!

The 1990’s called...they want their sex toy back. Last I checked, we are living in 2019, a time when technology advances by the minute (second even)! If you aren’t hanging on to your floppy disks, flip phones and beepers anymore, why are you still hanging on to your old vibrators? Technology has changed all around us, including the sex toy market.

If you don’t change...your orgasms won’t either. Long-term romantic relationships often fall victim to getting stuck in the same “routine,” especially when it comes to sex. I hate to break it to you, but the same can happen with your sex toys. Sure, you know the right positions or techniques that work “every time,” but if you don’t try new things or get a little creative, even regular orgasm will lose their luster. You try to spice things up with your partner...why not spice things up with a totally new and different toy? You have nothing to lose and only earth-shattering orgasms to gain… Sounds nice, right?

New toy = new bedroom skills. Fifty percent of what I’ve learned in the bedroom has come from sex with a partner. But if I’m being honest, the other 50 percent has come from figuring out how to let sex feel good by using sex toys. The more sex toy experiences one has, the more they understand their body and are able to adapt for new skills in the bedroom. Many of us read new books or listen to podcasts to develop new knowledge and skills. The same can be said for a new sex toy!

Treat yo’ self, damnit! Damnit, I say! Aren’t we allowed to treat ourselves from time to time? In my opinion, swapping out an old vibrator with a new one is one of the best ways to show ourselves self-love. It’s empowering, fun, a little naughty and super healthy. Plus, no offense, but your old toy kinda resembles that sweat-stained t-shirt with a hole in the armpit. It’s time, my friend…

~ Miranda Buzzlove